Sunday, February 27, 2011

Holy Cow!

The only words that come to mind right now are the following: holy. cow. I know this expression is crazy and makes no sense, but it sums up what God has been doing in my life this weekend.

It started out like any other Saturday. I woke up determined that it was going to be a good day- great in fact. I got Amirah dressed and made her pancakes. I saved the rest of the pancakes for Ysmaille, feeling like a good wife and mother. Then it happened. I snapped.

To make a long story short (and save myself some embarassment) I put unrealistic expectations on Ysmaille and questioned his love for me. Then I blamed it on the birth control pills. I stuck with that excuse until Sunday afternoon when I told my sister-in-law the gory details of the argument Ysmaille and I had.

You know what she did? She told the truth in love. She told me that I expect too much of myself, too much of Ysmaille, and if I'm not careful I'll do the same thing to Amirah, making her feel like she won't ever be able to measure up.

I realized that even though my hormones might be out of whack due to the birth control I'm on, it's also a very real possibility that I'm "manifesting." Brad McClendan (spelling?) says that before God is able to deal with the ugliness inside of us that we have to manifest. That's what I've been doing over the past several weeks. Now I have to deal with the fact that I am not perfect. I can't do it all. Ysmaille cannot be everything for me. And my beautiful Amirah will do things that won't be perfect and I need to be okay with it.

So, things might look different around here over the next few weeks. You might see Ysmaille giving Amirah juice and maybe she'll even have a hot dog. (gasp!) After all, he is her father and desires only good things for her, so if he feels like hot dogs and eggs are okay for her dinner then I'm going to take a deep breath and be okay with it too. I can't believe I just said that. See what I mean? Holy. Cow.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day

I really love Valentine's Day. I made sure Amirah wore a pink outfit from head to toe. Then I wore heart socks and a Valentine's pin one of my students gave me.

We had a party at school this afternoon with lots of treats- Hershey kisses, cupcakes, Rice Krispy treats, etc. We decorated Valentine holders and wrote compliments to everyone in the class.

Ysmaille and I had already decided that we wouldn't go out tonight, but order curbside to go from some restaurant and bring it home. That way we could be comfy and not have to find a babysitter for the peanut. I came home to the traditional card and a box of chocolates, all the while looking forward to a meal that I wouldn't have to cook and dishes I wouldn't have to clean.

Then things broke down. Why do I have to be so dramatic? By the time we got Amirah fed it was 6:30 and Ysmaille no longer felt like going out. I asked him if he wanted me to get food and he did. From Burger King. Burger King. Really? Fine. I'll get you what you want, but I won't do it without drama! I cried all the way there. Then I realized that this was silly. After all, I did volunteer. When I brought the said burger home he thought I was going to get something for myself and felt too bad to eat it if I wasn't eating anything. I was in tears again. The cycle goes on and on... I know it's totally ridiculous.

Valentine's Day is a beautiful, wonderful day. I will always celebrate it. But it is just one day. So our day wasn't romantic. It's true. Ysmaille ate a burger and cold fries while I moped around for half an hour. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that I really do have a wonderful husband. He is the one who got up last night in the middle of night because Amirah was coughing and couldn't sleep. He is the one who after all this evening's drama offered to go out and buy me dinner. He is also the one who is upstairs giving Amirah a bath as I sit here. And tonight he will let me watch "The Bachelor" without complaint. If that isn't romance I don't know what is :)