The only words that come to mind right now are the following: holy. cow. I know this expression is crazy and makes no sense, but it sums up what God has been doing in my life this weekend.
It started out like any other Saturday. I woke up determined that it was going to be a good day- great in fact. I got Amirah dressed and made her pancakes. I saved the rest of the pancakes for Ysmaille, feeling like a good wife and mother. Then it happened. I snapped.
To make a long story short (and save myself some embarassment) I put unrealistic expectations on Ysmaille and questioned his love for me. Then I blamed it on the birth control pills. I stuck with that excuse until Sunday afternoon when I told my sister-in-law the gory details of the argument Ysmaille and I had.
You know what she did? She told the truth in love. She told me that I expect too much of myself, too much of Ysmaille, and if I'm not careful I'll do the same thing to Amirah, making her feel like she won't ever be able to measure up.
I realized that even though my hormones might be out of whack due to the birth control I'm on, it's also a very real possibility that I'm "manifesting." Brad McClendan (spelling?) says that before God is able to deal with the ugliness inside of us that we have to manifest. That's what I've been doing over the past several weeks. Now I have to deal with the fact that I am not perfect. I can't do it all. Ysmaille cannot be everything for me. And my beautiful Amirah will do things that won't be perfect and I need to be okay with it.
So, things might look different around here over the next few weeks. You might see Ysmaille giving Amirah juice and maybe she'll even have a hot dog. (gasp!) After all, he is her father and desires only good things for her, so if he feels like hot dogs and eggs are okay for her dinner then I'm going to take a deep breath and be okay with it too. I can't believe I just said that. See what I mean? Holy. Cow.