How ironic that in the very middle of my year-long happiness project I found myself very unhappy. One evening not that long ago I asked Ysmaille if he thought I had post-partum depression. I even found myself googling the symptoms. When I thought about the summer ahead of me I felt hopeless. Long days ahead of me with two kids... would I survive?
Here's what's been happening over the past three weeks. We left the hospital and haven't slept since. Xander, although very content in general, likes to eat. A lot. In fact he was up pretty consitantly every two hours for weeks. Amirah, my beautiful, spirited princess is breaking my heart. She's always been a little feisty, but I worry that she feels misplaced and it makes me sad. She is being defiant and agressive and I know that having a new baby in the family is rocking her world. On top of it all we decided to potty train her. We figured the newborn no-sleep phase is already a little "hellish" so why not just get it all done. Maybe it was smart. Maybe we are insane.
I'll be honest. When people told me adding another baby to the mix would be a challenge I didn't believe them. Not really. I knew it would be an adjustment, but I wasn't fully prepared. I am eating humble pie. I can't do it all. My children are not angels and I cry a lot. Amirah cries a lot. Xander cries a lot. The only one able to hold it together is Ysmaille. Although I suspect he probably feels like crying too.
So, how's the happiness project going? It has skidded to a halt. My goal for the month of June is simple. Survive. I wrote to goals in my happiness journal-- get Amirah potty trained and get Xander to sleep for four hour stretches. If I accomplish those two things I will indeed be happy.
On another note, I think I am coming out of my fog. I am actually looking forward to summer now. In true Melanie style I've made a schedule for us to follow because Ysmaille goes back to work tomorrow and I need to have some kind of plan. I've also made a summer list of things we want to do. I'll share that in an upcoming blog. Xander slept for 3.5 hour stretches last night. Amirah had only one accident yesterday. I am pretty sure I made it through the entire day without shedding a tear. Things are looking up.